i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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