Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
