It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
