Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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