Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize