New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
