Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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