I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize