Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize