I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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