I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
