You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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