so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
