I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
