Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize