We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
