booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
