So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
