my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
