It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
