She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
