walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
