So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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