I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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