Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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