I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
