How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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