At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
