Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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