i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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