Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
