I could have mohawked her pubes.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
