Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
