totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
