He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
