How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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