I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
