Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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