dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
