the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
