I'm drive I can fine osifer
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i believe in u and ur pee
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
