can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
