I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
