Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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