My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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