I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
