oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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