my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
