He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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