When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
