Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
