so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
