My entire life is one complicated drinking game
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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