And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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