member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
this hospital has no fireball
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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