I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize