i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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