Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
