Apparently you make a good broom.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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