Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
