she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she told me i tasted like america
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize